Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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