There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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