So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
