There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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