Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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