I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
