Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
