Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
