i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
