thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
