She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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