dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
