walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
