i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
