The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
