her vagine was all disorganized.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
