My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
