Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
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you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize