so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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