3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
