I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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