Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
