So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
