he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
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DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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