whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
where are my eyebrows?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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