I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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