had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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