You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
