Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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