i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
