I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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