You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This house was built for laser tag.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
