so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
