my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
