Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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