drinking out of a sandbucket again
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
