When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
