I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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