My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
