I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
