no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
