I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
