Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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