I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
