It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
