dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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