ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
