i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
