Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
