apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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