he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
