that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
