New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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