someone threw a dead crab at me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
