I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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