i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
