I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
